HOW TO QUIT?

It had always been easy for her. In fact, it came to her rather naturally, the uncanny desire to let go, give in and simply quit. Where most people struggled to keep up and faltered in their decision making, she would simply put up the resigned facade and walk out. It was this easy and she loved being in her comfort zone, the moment circumstances became rather quizzical, she would jump off the ship. HA! and as luck would have it, she would be saved by another wave of God’s mercy, so as to say, had it coming rather easy for her. Born in a well-established family, she never really had to work hard for anything. Academically sound, kind-hearted with a weakness for trusting too early and letting go too soon, she was happy as a lark. After all, it was dreamy, more of an enviable life.

It is inevitable really, the desire to be served everything on a platter. Therefore, those who deny the pleasure of realising this reality are merely fooling themselves with the preconceived ideologies which took years to formulate with gradual integration in the society. So here she was, the perfect example of what a person could be within an isolated realm or an otherwise ideal circumstance.

Things went awry went she grew up and realised the complexities of far beyond. The heart wants what it wants and till now, she had surmised in achieving the best of everything. Nonetheless, it was time to finally give in, once again. That moment struck her bad, for she never thought of letting go this time. The heart cried in vain, brain cells went numb with shock. It was time, she knew and yet couldn’t let go. Everything in her body screamed in retort. What she did next was implausible and a sore sight to the eyes. She took out her heart and fed it to the ravenous conscience.

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And that is how we humans learn to quit and move on.

NO PLACE TO RUN

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HER

She sat for a while on the porch, waiting for him to come home. It was getting dark and she still had to make it back to bed….alone….again; something she dreaded. The few last rays managed to sneak off the dark skies, hitting the landscape with a hue of melancholy. A lost pigeon found its way to her porch and sat clueless of his whereabouts, kind of like her. She sat there looking at the bird whilst remnants of morning’s events whirled around in her mind in an orderly sequence. She tried to block it off but instead dwelled deeper and deeper dissecting every word he said into a thousand meanings. That was how her mind worked, unfortunately, she was too dreary to fight it off.

HIM

He was done way before the closing time, but something kept nagging at him. As soon as he turned off his laptop and got up to leave, he felt weak in his knees. He sat back and decided to wait for it to pass on. Needless to say, the feeling lingered, and he felt his mind racing back to morning. She was the most beautiful woman on earth, he knew that much and that he was possibly the luckiest of men to have her. But, she knows that right? so what was the point of all that she did in the morning? He was so engrossed in the battles of his mind that he completely lost the track of time. when he finally managed to end the monologue with his esteem, he got up and by virtue of habit glanced at his watch. He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed, yet he sat back again sinking in his chair thinking out loud.

“It was just a misconception”

“Really? you would say that?”

“yes, i think she understands”

“what she understands is what you tell her”

 “no, she understands what i dont say”

if she did, why did she retaliate?

He was perplexed and his brain was hurting bad, so he simply laid back in his chair, closing his eyes. The next thing he knew, sunlight blared into his eyelids trying to sear through.

THAT MORNING

She made breakfast like everyday, and like everyday he got late to work, having come home late a night before. she was agitated at his behavior but her upbringing got the better of her everytime and she remained silent. He knew, but was too busy to stay, so he said nothing and carried on. Putting on his shirt he gave a sideway glance catching her looking at him sadly. Having said he will be late from work , he slid aside the breakfast tray nonchalantly taking only a bite or so and dug into his pockets to check his effects. Car keys, wallet,cellphone and his… he looked up at her extended hand and took the glasses put them on while opening the front door. ‘Try to come home early ‘ she tried to sound hopeful yet her voice was quivering.  ‘Were you crying again Enid? ‘ he was somewhat tired of this. She guessed that much so kept quiet ,yet the coldness of his voice sent chills down her spine and she lost hold of her nerves and began crying helplessly. She was a sight.  My oh My , the way she let it pour. He was shocked, part of him felt sorry for her, for being her, yet he was done. It was time she learnt the reality. She had been living in a bubble for so long. He went wild with rage and shouted down at her whilst looking at her tears streaked face. Every tear that fell from her face felt like knives searing his heart. He choked back on emotions burning so very furiously inside him and shouted at her more. Finally when she became a dejected mess of nothingness, he left. 

Did your heart flutter as you met his eyes Did you blush when he stared back at you I heard you tried to find me in someone else Honey, how was it, tell me As he whispered little sweet nothings in your ear Did you laugh or did you push him away teasingly I heard you tried to find […]

via I Heard — Zahrat Ash Shams

HYMN

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She opened her dreary eyes with the malevolent hymn of an alarm clock. It was seven already, she thought to herself tossing on the bed like a caged puppy. Mentally fighting the urge to bury her head under the sheets and physically exerting herself, she got up and zombie-walked to the kitchen putting the kettle up for tea. Tying her hair in a messy bun, she trudged back to the room and hit the light switch, the effect of which sent the dark room ablaze. She looked at her little sleeping brat, stifled a smile, turned and saw that he was lying next to her. So, he did come home last night, she smiled ruefully and opened the bathroom door.

“Mammaaaaaaaa”. She stopped short, sighed when she saw her 3-year old toddler gazing up at her sleepily, arms stretched. she scooped her up and kissed her on the cheek

“Good Morning, baby how are you?”

I want to brush my teeth” the little one rejected all niceties, yet she was happy for once there were no morning tantrums.

“Ok let’s do… but first go wake up your Daddy”

“Daddyyyy,” a kiss on the cheek a hug here and a hug there and he was up. She could see how tired he was and yet she knew he had to be up early. She took the breakfast tray to him and began putting butter on his bread,  making small talk. She wasn’t in a mood but she had to.

This was quickly followed by mechanical steps of brushing teeth, washing face splashing water, tossing breakfast, getting Elaine ready for school, whilst trying to get ready for office herself.

On their way, she made him feel like it was normal, yet she knew that he knew. she could sense it in his uneasiness. She sat back and when they dropped Elaine to school, she began

“I think that now, you can sleep without me”

“huh?!?” he looked at her, confounded.


I used to think we were not like others, you know where you drift apart after some time and it does not even matter if you sleep together or not. I believed that I could change that or stop that from happening. yet, here we are having this conversation and I dread that we are just like any other couple out there.

He didn’t even know what to say at first and finally managed ” I am afraid that if I don’t say anything you will presume that you are right and if I do, well, you won’t agree with me…. but anyway… you do realize how silly that sounds? I mean is it your period or something? because it’s quite stupid of you to make such allegations. Where are they coming from anyway? So I don’t sleep with you for a day or two, does that mean we are drifting away ?”

She kept quiet for a long time. He seemed relieved to have made his point. She finally spoke “It’s a good thing you know. Getting to know where we stand, so I stop putting efforts into something which is out of my control” tears rolled down her eyes.

He was aghast “you are still thinking about it? really ?  oh man now you are just screwing it up” 

“I don’t care”

Then stop talking about it”

“I can’t”

“Then stop saying you don’t care, because you do”

“Maybe you are right, I do and maybe that’s good for you because I care and voice my concerns.” she stopped for a while till they reached her office.

Then, she turned towards him, fighting back tears.

” But sometimes,  I just wish I could be more like you, on matters such as this, oblivious to changes in the dynamics of our relationship. So that I would stop caring about us, about where we are going, and like you end up wondering where we went wrong….

She was about to say it all but instead she just got out, walked ahead and went in without looking back.