HOW TO QUIT?

It had always been easy for her. In fact, it came to her rather naturally, the uncanny desire to let go, give in and simply quit. Where most people struggled to keep up and faltered in their decision making, she would simply put up the resigned facade and walk out. It was this easy and she loved being in her comfort zone, the moment circumstances became rather quizzical, she would jump off the ship. HA! and as luck would have it, she would be saved by another wave of God’s mercy, so as to say, had it coming rather easy for her. Born in a well-established family, she never really had to work hard for anything. Academically sound, kind-hearted with a weakness for trusting too early and letting go too soon, she was happy as a lark. After all, it was dreamy, more of an enviable life.

It is inevitable really, the desire to be served everything on a platter. Therefore, those who deny the pleasure of realising this reality are merely fooling themselves with the preconceived ideologies which took years to formulate with gradual integration in the society. So here she was, the perfect example of what a person could be within an isolated realm or an otherwise ideal circumstance.

Things went awry went she grew up and realised the complexities of far beyond. The heart wants what it wants and till now, she had surmised in achieving the best of everything. Nonetheless, it was time to finally give in, once again. That moment struck her bad, for she never thought of letting go this time. The heart cried in vain, brain cells went numb with shock. It was time, she knew and yet couldn’t let go. Everything in her body screamed in retort. What she did next was implausible and a sore sight to the eyes. She took out her heart and fed it to the ravenous conscience.

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And that is how we humans learn to quit and move on.

Abyss

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She begged while he took her
Bits by bits, pieces by pieces
She clasped to her spirits
While he snatched it away
Yanked her bare, filling her with rage
Her eyes turned to stone, soul going cold
In a multitude of despair; she became
A tumultuous sea of abandonment, of loss
Only then did he let her go, leaving her in the abyss
And she became as we know today
The crooked angel who lost her wings

Strings

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It hurts to be so weak at times, correction, all the time.

I really can’t figure out how to exercise a strong grip on my frazzled nerves, 

or how to stop being dependent on someone to calm myself down. 

I hate myself for not having the capability to do it on my own. 

At times, it becomes self-constricting almost like asphyxiation. 

She began with eyes fixated on the computer screen, fingers snapping on the keyboard like nails being pulled out of the plank. She was afraid for she might miss what she is thinking, her mind obviously racing at a faster pace than her fingers, visible with the underlined typos on the screen. She hardly cared, for she didn’t want to stop and recheck.

I don’t know how to manage myself? how long will my friends and family have to stand up for me, fill in the gaps of my personality?

She closed those burning eyes again, this time, fingers splayed across the keyboard for a millionth part of a second.

No, I can’t let this happen to myself. I can’t falter, not this time. I am not alone anymore. I am a mother now. She looks up to me and  WILL NOT  look at the mess I have shoved myself into.

Yes, She thought to herself

I will change, for the better. I will come out of this self-loathing hysteria and I will stop looking for ways to put the blames for my shortcomings on others.

But, she said to herself; now gaunt fingers resting on the sides of the keyboard, computer screen flickering in anticipation.

I don’t know how to do that?  All my life, I was protected by the ones I loved. All those feelings of being independent, continuously striving to run away from a protective family and him, oh him…… Why does it hurt so much now? The notion of not having somebody to fall back on.

For a very long time, the kite soared high in the blue skies….

She looked at him happily, eyes shining brighter than any stars in the galaxy. He had his wayfarers on, and oh his face, that adoringly chiselled face, that sharp jawline, that beautiful, beautiful tousled hair, wet at the nape for the sun shone strong and sturdy and sweat dripped longingly. She was holding the string. She was the one flying.

He smiled. She grinned back. It was heaven on earth.

I am the kite

and he held my string

Letting me go only when I needed to

And pulling me back just in time

before the winds grew strong

He was my fallback plan

Always

She sat back, she could not write anymore. It was understood, where she lacked, what she lost and what she could never have again?

She smiled ruefully. She knew what she needed to do. Putting on her jumper and snatching the car keys off the mantel, she got into her car….

For a very long time, the kite soared high in the blue skies….

Two lovely little hands held the string tightly.

Baby you need to let go a little, give it a little space.. and there” she looked down at the sparkling eyes, shining brighter than any stars.

Mamaaa Look I am flying a kite!!!” the beautiful angel exclaimed.

She adjusted her wayfarers and smiled at her

The little one grinned back.

It was heaven on earth once again.

NO PLACE TO RUN

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HER

She sat for a while on the porch, waiting for him to come home. It was getting dark and she still had to make it back to bed….alone….again; something she dreaded. The few last rays managed to sneak off the dark skies, hitting the landscape with a hue of melancholy. A lost pigeon found its way to her porch and sat clueless of his whereabouts, kind of like her. She sat there looking at the bird whilst remnants of morning’s events whirled around in her mind in an orderly sequence. She tried to block it off but instead dwelled deeper and deeper dissecting every word he said into a thousand meanings. That was how her mind worked, unfortunately, she was too dreary to fight it off.

HIM

He was done way before the closing time, but something kept nagging at him. As soon as he turned off his laptop and got up to leave, he felt weak in his knees. He sat back and decided to wait for it to pass on. Needless to say, the feeling lingered, and he felt his mind racing back to morning. She was the most beautiful woman on earth, he knew that much and that he was possibly the luckiest of men to have her. But, she knows that right? so what was the point of all that she did in the morning? He was so engrossed in the battles of his mind that he completely lost the track of time. when he finally managed to end the monologue with his esteem, he got up and by virtue of habit glanced at his watch. He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed, yet he sat back again sinking in his chair thinking out loud.

“It was just a misconception”

“Really? you would say that?”

“yes, I think she understands”

“what she understands is what you tell her”

 “no, she understands what I don’t say”

if she did, why did she retaliate?

He was perplexed and his brain was hurting bad, so he simply laid back in his chair, closing his eyes. The next thing he knew, sunlight blared into his eyelids trying to sear through.

THAT MORNING

She made breakfast like every day, and like every day he got late to work, having come home late a night before. she was agitated at his behaviour but her upbringing got the better of her every time and she remained silent. He knew but was too busy to stay, so he said nothing and carried on. Putting on his shirt he gave a sideway glance catching her looking at him sadly. Having said he will be late from work, he slid aside the breakfast tray nonchalantly taking only a bite or so and dug into his pockets to check his effects. Car keys, wallet, cellphone and his… he looked up at her extended hand and took the glasses put them on while opening the front door. ‘Try to come home early ‘ she tried to sound hopeful yet her voice was quivering.  ‘Were you crying again, Enid? ‘ he was somewhat tired of this. She guessed that much so kept quiet , yet the coldness of his voice sent chills down her spine and she lost hold of her nerves and began crying helplessly. She was a sight.  My oh My, the way she let it pour. He was shocked, part of him felt sorry for her, for being her, yet he was done. It was the time she learnt the reality. She had been living in a bubble for so long. He went wild with rage and shouted down at her whilst looking at her tears streaked face. Every tear that fell from her face felt like knives searing his heart. He choked back on emotions burning so very furiously inside him and shouted at her more. Finally, when she became a dejected mess of nothingness, he left.