HOW TO QUIT?

It had always been easy for her. In fact, it came to her rather naturally, the uncanny desire to let go, give in and simply quit. Where most people struggled to keep up and faltered in their decision making, she would simply put up the resigned facade and walk out. It was this easy and she loved being in her comfort zone, the moment circumstances became rather quizzical, she would jump off the ship. HA! and as luck would have it, she would be saved by another wave of God’s mercy, so as to say, had it coming rather easy for her. Born in a well-established family, she never really had to work hard for anything. Academically sound, kind-hearted with a weakness for trusting too early and letting go too soon, she was happy as a lark. After all, it was dreamy, more of an enviable life.

It is inevitable really, the desire to be served everything on a platter. Therefore, those who deny the pleasure of realising this reality are merely fooling themselves with the preconceived ideologies which took years to formulate with gradual integration in the society. So here she was, the perfect example of what a person could be within an isolated realm or an otherwise ideal circumstance.

Things went awry went she grew up and realised the complexities of far beyond. The heart wants what it wants and till now, she had surmised in achieving the best of everything. Nonetheless, it was time to finally give in, once again. That moment struck her bad, for she never thought of letting go this time. The heart cried in vain, brain cells went numb with shock. It was time, she knew and yet couldn’t let go. Everything in her body screamed in retort. What she did next was implausible and a sore sight to the eyes. She took out her heart and fed it to the ravenous conscience.

And that is how we humans learn to quit and move on.

It will be alright !

No, I will not hold you accountable for the choices you make. Yes, I would respect you for those choices, even if it means I have to let you go. No, you may never ask me for forgiveness, because honey, that’s my prerogative! I may or may not. Just like that! It’s my choice and it is also my choice to let go of you or hold on to you.. you have no say. Yes, you are free to go. No, I shall not create a ‘scene’. For I know, all these years, I was worth your time and love and now it just isnt. No, I will not cling to you. Yes I will love you till I don’t. And no, you can’t help me anymore. Yes, you have to let me go for I have to find my own way, at my own pace, within my own space. For once again, I get a chance to be an individual,someone else, someone on her own. Once again I get a chance to write my story, in my own way. Yes I am scared right now . I might be scared for a whole while, yet I am certain I will be alright. It will be fine and I will find it. Again. Truly.

Every breath I take

I felt you slipping away from my grip, labouring one breath after another. It was the most excruciating sight; yet I stayed, holding your hands while time stood still. in that elapsing moment, I lived a thousand lives, aged a thousand years. I transformed from a purposeful boy to a lost bereaving man; a man who was drenched in a thunderstorm because his only umbrella had just been snatched by the merciless winds. A man who had just let go of the power that made him stand tall. It has been a year Abu (dad), and you are so vividly alive; sitting, smiling, reprimanding; all while making my life easier, comfortable. I wish I could hold you one more time, kiss your forehead and sit next to you, listen to your anecdotes once again, telling you incessantly how much I miss you. I can never be the same. I can never truly move on, because in that moment when you left; time became irrelevant and part of my existence froze. If I could, I would relive those moments with you, share those laughs again, listen to your reprimands with a smile on my face. It has been a year Abu and not once did I falter in thinking about you.  What keeps me going? they ask. I will finally meet you. and we will eventually unite just like we are supposed to be as a family.BOT Code: 027094

To a LIFE Once Lived

Between the feelings she held

And the things that were said

were a multitude of emotions

flowing steadily in a stream

from her face

only to be seen by those who ponder

the face she made

and the one she hid

were so different 

that one wondered

whether she was alive 

or dead within

the numb the cold

the many the old

women of past gone

and that of the time to come

She felt for them

what they could not fathom for themselves

As she gradually descended

into the depth of an abyss

Where light faltered

and angels shrank back

She went in like a petal

flowing steady 

waiting for her fate to unfold and take over

Abyss

She begged while he took her
Bits by bits, pieces by pieces
She clasped to her spirits
While he snatched it away
Yanked her bare, filling her with rage
Her eyes turned to stone, soul going cold
In a multitude of despair; she became
A tumultuous sea of abandonment, of loss
Only then did he let her go, leaving her in the abyss
And she became as we know today
The crooked angel who lost her wings

Strings

It hurts to be so weak at times, correction, all the time.

I really can’t figure out how to exercise a strong grip on my frazzled nerves, 

or how to stop being dependent on someone to calm myself down. 

I hate myself for not having the capability to do it on my own. 

At times, it becomes self-constricting almost like asphyxiation. 

She began with eyes fixated on the computer screen, fingers snapping on the keyboard like nails being pulled out of the plank. She was afraid for she might miss what she is thinking, her mind obviously racing at a faster pace than her fingers, visible with the underlined typos on the screen. She hardly cared, for she didn’t want to stop and recheck.

I don’t know how to manage myself? how long will my friends and family have to stand up for me, fill in the gaps of my personality?

She closed those burning eyes again, this time, fingers splayed across the keyboard for a millionth part of a second.

No, I can’t let this happen to myself. I can’t falter, not this time. I am not alone anymore. I am a mother now. She looks up to me and  WILL NOT  look at the mess I have shoved myself into.

Yes, She thought to herself

I will change, for the better. I will come out of this self-loathing hysteria and I will stop looking for ways to put the blames for my shortcomings on others.

But, she said to herself; now gaunt fingers resting on the sides of the keyboard, computer screen flickering in anticipation.

I don’t know how to do that?  All my life, I was protected by the ones I loved. All those feelings of being independent, continuously striving to run away from a protective family and him, oh him…… Why does it hurt so much now? The notion of not having somebody to fall back on.

For a very long time, the kite soared high in the blue skies….

She looked at him happily, eyes shining brighter than any stars in the galaxy. He had his wayfarers on, and oh his face, that adoringly chiselled face, that sharp jawline, that beautiful, beautiful tousled hair, wet at the nape for the sun shone strong and sturdy and sweat dripped longingly. She was holding the string. She was the one flying.

He smiled. She grinned back. It was heaven on earth.

I am the kite

and he held my string

Letting me go only when I needed to

And pulling me back just in time

before the winds grew strong

He was my fallback plan

Always

She sat back, she could not write anymore. It was understood, where she lacked, what she lost and what she could never have again?

She smiled ruefully. She knew what she needed to do. Putting on her jumper and snatching the car keys off the mantel, she got into her car….

For a very long time, the kite soared high in the blue skies….

Two lovely little hands held the string tightly.

“Baby you need to let go a little, give it a little space.. and there” she looked down at the sparkling eyes, shining brighter than any stars.

“Mamaaa Look I am flying a kite!!!” the beautiful angel exclaimed.

She adjusted her wayfarers and smiled at her

The little one grinned back.

It was heaven on earth once again.